Saturday, December 13, 2008


I'm unsatisfied. I'm unsatisfied in life. I quote the replacements "look me in the eye then tell me that I'm satisfied. Everything goes well; anything goes all of the time. Everything that you dream of is right in front of you and everything is a lie. Look me in the eye and tell me that I'm satisfied. I'm so unsatisfied, I'm so dissatisfied." That sums up how I feel. Anyone that truly knows me and looks me in the eyes can't tell me that I'm satisfied. Why am I so unsatisfied? I'm not completely sure. I think that I'm unsatisfied in everything in life. I guess the real problem is I have no idea what I want out of life. I'm almost thirty years old and I'm as clueless as when I was eighteen. But yet again I think I might be even more confused now. At least when I was eighteen I felt that I had time to find out what I wanted out of life. Well ten years has passed and I thought by now I would know what it is that I want out of this life. It's not like I have not tried from college to a career, trying to start a family to absolute self obliteration. College just was not for me people telling me I had to pick what I wanted to be when I was nineteen….damn how was I to pick that out at that age? So I blindly picked out what I wanted to do end wasted thousands of dollars. Trying a career let me totally burned out. Self obliteration well I should be dead. And as for raising a family or at least attempting, I thought this was what I was to do with my life. But to be completely truthful, left me more miserable than I have ever been. Trying to live the American dream left me so disenchanted. But wasn't this what I was suppose to do? Aren't we taught that we all need to find love, get married and have children the white picket fence ect. So that is what I did even back then I knew it didn't feel right but I did it anyway, because I wanted to grow up. Settling for anything in life is never a good thing. I realize that now and I will never again settle for what I truly do not want just because it's what everyone says you should do. But it has become so clear to me that it does not make an adult it is something you grow into and you don't realize your adult in just something that creeps up on you. Teenage angst has turned into the working mans blues. The American dream does not meet my expatiations. So I abandoned it. The more I think about it, the more I realize at least for me it's not about finding out what I want in life it's what I don't want in life. Maybe someday I'll find what I am looking for maybe I missed it, maybe its right in front of me, or maybe it's already here. So I'm unsatisfied but I glad to be unsatisfied. This is what keeps me going. So I may have just found the answer to my own question. I will always be unsatisfied and why should I be happy with any thing less? I will search and be unsatisfied as long as blood runs through my veins

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