Monday, January 19, 2009

Minnesota winter

If you have never experienced a Minnesota winter first off be thankful, second it can last for as long as six months. This past week has been a brutally cold it was an entire week of sub zero temps. On the coldest day we reached -30 bellow zero and the high was a balmy -4 bellow, this was the actual temperature the wind chill was about -60 bellow zero.

If you have never experienced this type of weather conditions the best way that I can explain it is hurts. It hurts to breath you know its cold in Minnesota when your lungs hurt from breathing in the cold air, every breath you take. It’s the kind of weather where your noise hairs freeze.

Not only is it the cold but is the never ending snow. It seems this winter it has snowed almost every day I’m so sick of the snow and the cold. I’m just so sick of this winter. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw the sunshine, maybe mid-December.

Maybe the saddest thing is when I heard that it was going to get to 9 above zero I got excited, and when it did get that warm I felt that it was warm.

This week it’s supposable in the 30 and 20. Time to break out the shorts.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Who are you? You are the sum of the experiences you have had in your life. All are a complete sum of things you have experienced this far in life. The person you were yesterday is not the person who you are today and who you are today is not who you will be tomorrow. You will still be to the naked eye the same person but we slowly evolve moment by moment experience to experience we encounter no mater how small or large we change. Your core self will always be there but slowly we changing. We don’t even notice not until we step back and take a good long look at our self and compare where we were at a point of time in our past, a time in refection to see the progress.

Where am I going with this? Well this is more a look back at myself and how much I have changed in the last couple of years, and how this came to be. The person I am today is in no way that I was back then. My personality is so different that when I look back two years ago. The past two years have been the biggest jump from one personality to another I have ever had. I just wanted to see how I got to this place I am at today.

I was ending a five year relationship (the longest I had ever been in) at the same time I got diagnosed with cancer. We were still living together witch made things much worse. The worst thing is she made me feel guilty about having cancer. She told me I wanted everybody to be as miserable as I was. This was the furthest thing from the truth. But she beat that into my head that I should feel guilty about having cancer and I did, I felt enormous guilt about it how it effected everyone else. So I didn’t talk about much or ask for help when I should have, I decided to do this thing on my own.

Looking back on the person I was two years ago I don’t like what I see. This goes back further than before I got cancer. I felt soulless I just felt as if I was an empty shell of my former self, a person that had stop living. I had lost the lust for life. I hated life, I hated my own life I was sick of my own meager existence.

For the first time in my life I found myself alone, I then isolated myself from the rest of the world as I was rapidly spiraling further down into my depression. I lived in isolation for about three months. I came to grips of my cancer I accepted the fact that I could die, and I guess a part of me wanted to die.

In retrospect I needed this isolation. This solitude made me better for the first time in along time I started to think about things life, death, and the universe. I’m not sure what it was maybe my mind just snaped but I pulled myself out of my own depression. I started to examine life asking myself the tough questions and looking for the answers. I started to read, write and think. I started to evolve into something new.

I was no longer living a isolated life. I started to live life again, I started to live a better life. The person I am today is not the person I was back then that person did die just not in the way he thought he would die. He has just faded away into myself conscious as a constant reminder to keep moving forward. And to keep evolving.