Monday, December 15, 2008

Insomnia



I have chronic insomnia, I have suffered from insomnia on and off for about five years now. It initially started off with a couple of restless nights and having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. I would battle through it, and it would eventually pass. The last six months it has gotten much worse. It takes me quite a long time to fall asleep hours if at all. And when I do fall asleep I have a hard time sleeping very long from 20 minutes to 4 hours. Some days I don't sleep at all and sometimes it can last for a couple of days. If you have never experienced this let me tell it sucks. Feeling so tried but unable to sleep. Your body aches all over. (Witch is saying something considering my current medical condition.) You become unable to focus on anything for too long. Your mind starts to wonder. I tend to zone out from time to time I'm awake but nobody's home for a couple of minutes then I come back it's kind of like a short out of body experience. And work is quite difficult since most of what I do at work tends to be a physical job, and trying to stay focused just enough to get by. Sometimes I look like a walking zombie. Then when I'm not able to sleep for very long a period that's when your mind starts to plays tricks on your and alters your reality. I start to think I'm losing my fucking mind and from time to time I have hallucinations such as the Sun Maid raisin lady stalking me. At first she was sort of creepy, what with that big ass red hat of hers and her basket of grapes, but I have come to accept her and I realize she's just lonely and misunderstood. I have tried all sorts of thing medications, vitamins, meditation; I even quit caffeine for awhile. (That was a big mistake I just made things worse.) When I start a new medication or a sleep aid it does work for about a week or so but then nothing. I know that certain things contribute to my insomnia. I work over nights, my medication, my illness and my own damn mind. (I wish I could just shut off my mind but just won't relinquish.) I won't change my meds because it's what is keeping me alive, so if I have to choose between insomnia and death I'll take insomnia…I guess that's a fair trade off.

1 comment:

Branwen said...

Poor thing. I suffered from insomnia for a brief period. I went for about a week with no sleep and started to hallucinate too. In my case the insomnia was brought on by something else so i no longer have sleep problems.

Its a pity your medication only works temporarily. We all need our rest.