Who are you? You are the sum of the experiences you have had in your life. All are a complete sum of things you have experienced this far in life. The person you were yesterday is not the person who you are today and who you are today is not who you will be tomorrow. You will still be to the naked eye the same person but we slowly evolve moment by moment experience to experience we encounter no mater how small or large we change. Your core self will always be there but slowly we changing. We don’t even notice not until we step back and take a good long look at our self and compare where we were at a point of time in our past, a time in refection to see the progress.
Where am I going with this? Well this is more a look back at myself and how much I have changed in the last couple of years, and how this came to be. The person I am today is in no way that I was back then. My personality is so different that when I look back two years ago. The past two years have been the biggest jump from one personality to another I have ever had. I just wanted to see how I got to this place I am at today.
I was ending a five year relationship (the longest I had ever been in) at the same time I got diagnosed with cancer. We were still living together witch made things much worse. The worst thing is she made me feel guilty about having cancer. She told me I wanted everybody to be as miserable as I was. This was the furthest thing from the truth. But she beat that into my head that I should feel guilty about having cancer and I did, I felt enormous guilt about it how it effected everyone else. So I didn’t talk about much or ask for help when I should have, I decided to do this thing on my own.
Looking back on the person I was two years ago I don’t like what I see. This goes back further than before I got cancer. I felt soulless I just felt as if I was an empty shell of my former self, a person that had stop living. I had lost the lust for life. I hated life, I hated my own life I was sick of my own meager existence.
For the first time in my life I found myself alone, I then isolated myself from the rest of the world as I was rapidly spiraling further down into my depression. I lived in isolation for about three months. I came to grips of my cancer I accepted the fact that I could die, and I guess a part of me wanted to die.
In retrospect I needed this isolation. This solitude made me better for the first time in along time I started to think about things life, death, and the universe. I’m not sure what it was maybe my mind just snaped but I pulled myself out of my own depression. I started to examine life asking myself the tough questions and looking for the answers. I started to read, write and think. I started to evolve into something new.
I was no longer living a isolated life. I started to live life again, I started to live a better life. The person I am today is not the person I was back then that person did die just not in the way he thought he would die. He has just faded away into myself conscious as a constant reminder to keep moving forward. And to keep evolving.
14 years ago
3 comments:
Chad- buddy - great words here man. I believe too, that it is important to reflect on the people and situations that make us who we are, and often we forget to look at ourselves. You have taken a big step. I was never diagnosed with a thing such as Cancer, but I had felt the isolation you speak of for other reasons. It also helped me to get inside my own head and think about the Universe and the things that make me who I am - and I snapped out of it as well.
We write to share, to be read, and to be heard. It's all part of this thing we do - living. Thanks man. See you on the next post!
Oh Chad. I did not know you have/had cancer. I'm sorry to hear about this.
It is so awful to have someone make you feel guilty for your illness. Because a lot of times, you're already feeling guilty anyway. Like, "Did I cause this? Do I deserve this?"
I'm not sure what treatments you are using/have used. Or how you are feeling/doing now. I am on chemotherapy for my kidneys - not cancer. Kidney failure. But sort of the same idea where the immune suppressants come in to play.
Anyway, I am lucky to have a lot of support in my life. I hope you have that support too.
And it's too bad that chick treated you so poorly at such a time in your life.
I have a lot of respect for your growth and evolution. I wish you nothing but the best. Wellness and peace to you, friend.
And also, I like the spaces between the paragraphs. ;-)
I am happy to report I have been in remission for five months. I guess I should have said that in my post, sorry.
Charli I am sorry to hear that you are going through that. I wish you all the best.
I had and still have great support from my friends and family they really got me through a lot of rough times. I’m glad to hear you have the same support.
She was awful it was my best friend telling me “why are you doing this to me?” but thankfully she is no longer in my life, you don’t need someone like that your life.
I’m glad you like the spaces.
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